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I grew up in a church. Going to youth group weekly, helping out in the nursery, lighting candles for the service, playing the piano at the sunrise service on Easter. Yet the closest I seem to make it to a church is helping out at the youth group and going to a small group…..

I often wonder, am I worthy. Its a question that enters my mind from time to time. I pushed God away for so many years. I also question Him a bit, ok at times I question God a lot. Its a difficult fence I seem to straddle between faith & God and nothing, no belief.

Its been almost 14 years now that I truly questioned and just didn’t seem to understand and stepped away from God. Has God been with me for the past 14 y? I believe he has been there every step, but it has been me, my faith, that has not been there. My belief that I can not seem to get to that place. My faith can’t get completely up and over the mountain.

I can not understand, no I simply can not comprehend, fathom, suffering of kids. Though deep inside I know God is there, that God has a purpose, and the devil likes to reek havoc causing pain. Yet, it has not made it any easier. My cousins daughter. She was 6 and a twin. She had cancer for 4 years and lost her battle almost 14 years ago – August 31, 1998…

I continue my walk to get closer to Christ and at times there are questions that plague my mind, and the hardest at times is feeling the uncertainty of it all……