I read an article that has me thinking: “Former preacher becomes a poster boy for unbelief” Washington Post: http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/on-faith/former-preacher-becomes-a-poster-boy-for-unbelief/2012/06/13/gJQA08nhaV_story.html

So many things can break our faith or even have our belief in God questioned. It’s almost as if you are brought closer to God or you move farther away from God. Moms who have lost a child have moved closer to God, yet kids who have lost a mom lose their belief in God.

I was at that point of believing and not believing and I continued to walk farther away from God.

I was in a bad marriage. An ex-husband addicted to pornography and who liked to remind me constantly that I was fat, ugly, stupid,…..My thoughts….Really, God, why? My questions, “God why haven’t you fixed this?” Nothing changed and my faith and belief continued to slip away. I tried going to church, even liked the preacher, but still felt I did not belong.

Then I completely backed away, and my belief, my faith were the last things I though about. My cousin’s daughter (6 yrs old) finally passed away. She fought cancer for 4 years. Her twin even gave her bone marrow in hopes of saving her. She was 7 months younger than my oldest daughter and we kept in touch and seen them often. My cousin has a strong faith in God. Me, at that time, I stepped away. My question to God, “How can you let a child suffer who has done no wrong? How can you let a child die, who has done no wrong?”

So at this point I simple could not understand why a Loving God would do this to a child. This wasn’t my child, and yet I questioned the existence of God.

I know and God know that my faith and my belief in Him, at times can be a struggle. Yet at times I try to remember the miracles.

My ex husband can hear after his fall. The ear doctor & trauma doctor both said he should be deaf because of the damage in the inner ear.

I was blessed 4 healthy children. My son who was born with Sagittal Craniosynostosis and he did not require surgery.

My man had a hole in his colon when 1 of his diverticulum burst. Very deadly and he was on IV antibiotics for well over a month until his body was ready for surgery…He survived.

My man had a 90% blockage in an artery before he turned 40 and it was found…He survived

My sister-in-laws mom was found unconscious in the bathroom at work, she had a couple of brain aneurysms and was not expected to make it. She had a total of 5! She survived with minimal brain damage. She is teaching.

The last 2 helped pushed me closer to God. Yet I still have my times where I question God’s existence. Reminding myself, the hard times make you stronger, preparing you for the future, for what God has planned for you. Yet, when I struggle, when I talk to God the most, is when I doubt the most. I think of Matthew 8:26 (ESV) “And he said to them, “why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.” I have no doubt I would have been just like Jesus’ disciples on the boat stating “Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” Matthew 8:25.

I am not sure what the guy in the article went through or why he lost his faith. Not sure if he felt he needed a “miracle” to fully believe. Me, I see the miracles, yet I struggle at times to simply understand the reasoning and continue to read and watch about the evidence that proves the bible.