The past few weeks have a bit difficult in the sense of trying to understand and not judge. In all honesty, I simply do not understand the minds of parents with their kids. I am talking the parents who are no longer together, and share custody of a child or children. In a lot of cases there is that one parent, the custodial parent who sets rules and has discipline and then there is the other parent, the weekend parent, who lets their child run free, so to speak. You have the weekend parent who loves to constantly buy things for their child or children to in a sense to buy their love or worse, out do the other parent….This is one of those areas where I, judgmental Sherry, will rant constantly to God ….
The past couple of weeks I have seen a 13yr girl who is much like a niece to me have freedom online. Her custodial parent (dad) has rules; her non-custodial parent (mom) has no rules. The mother instinct in me tells me to take her and not let her return to her moms. Yet she has freedom, she isn’t posing nude, and isn’t doing anything real bad. We all worry that her actions will just lead her down a road that she is too young to go…We are thinking ahead….
In 2004 (I believe), I got to the point with my ex, that I was done, so I told him he had a choice, be a positive regular influence in the girls lives, or stay away….He stayed away. Much like our divorce, things had been leading up to this day. He was inconsistent with seeing them, he would make promises and never keep them, the girls would hear him say to me “You need to get them, you know I didn’t want them this weekend” (even though he asked for them), and the topper, was having my oldest crying calling her a liar.
Instead of handing this over to God, I carried this burden. I made the decision that forced my ex to make a choice of not seeing them. I look back and justify myself and my actions. I did not want my girls with a negative parent, or a porn addicted parent, or a parent that was raised in various types of abuse. I did not want my girls to have free reign, or no rules. I did not want to have to constantly deal with the emotions that were brought on when he didn’t show or simply let them down. I didn’t want to deal with the children that would come home believing that they didn’t have rules….Yet I have told them of my words and the choice made in a sense trying to push the blame onto him or even ease my mind…
My girls lived for years without talking to their father. In the past couple of years 2 of the 3 have texted him and try. I realized in 2010, that because of a head injury in 1991, he will forever have the mentality of a young adult, which makes the situation even more difficult and weird. The head injury doesn’t make it any easier for my girls.
Looking back there are a lot of I’s in there and no God. God was there, but I wasn’t letting him in and really wasn’t thinking about him. In all honesty, I really do not know if the choice made, the words said were the right ones. I do realize now, that was not a choice for me to make. Yes I was worried they would have too much freedom and done things too early. Yes I was worried about them staying the night with a porn addicted father. Yes I worried they would be with a parent who was raised in an abusive household. Yet, it wasn’t my choice to make but fear got in the way and fear is what drove me.
I will never know if my choice was the right one, and I will no longer sit and justify my choice. I will take this burden and had it over to God, to work the magic he always does….I will also pray that he will make me less judgmental in this area…I do know that in regards to these children of separated parents, God is watching over them, and God is putting them where they need to be, good or bad. As difficult as it is to fathom, God creates a path for them, and is leading each of them through the ups and downs to make them become the person He wants them to be… Not who we want them to be…