When I separated from my ex-husband, I was no closer to God. In all honesty I was distant and felt as if I had failed….failed at my marriage. I was raised to believe that marriage was forever and though I truly had already checked out of my marriage, it was still a very difficult passage…..Looking back, it was about 2 years later that my faith would begin to grow, without me realizing…..
In August 2001, or round about there, I found out I was pregnant with child #4. It was difficult. I wasn’t sure why God was blessing me with another child at this point in time. My brother & his wife were trying to have another child and I wasn’t even legally divorced, but clearly I had moved on. Once again, Gods purpose is not for us to understand, and I am still learning to just go with it…. One night the man & I were in the bed, and it was quiet. All he said was “Please God let me have this one thing and let nothing bad happen….” Well my faith, still buried deep away, leaped up and said “Everything will be fine, God doesn’t work that way.” Him and I had not talked about God, or our beliefs, but that night I knew he too felt God wasn’t there for him and I realized his hurt ran a bit deeper….
In March 2002 we were blessed with a healthy son and before he reached a year we found out he had Craniosynostosis. This “is a birth defect that causes one or more sutures on a baby’s head to close earlier than normal. The skull of an infant or young child is made up of bony plates that allow for growth of the skull. The borders at which these plates intersect are called sutures or suture lines. The sutures between these bony plates normally close by the time the child is 2 or 3 years old. Early closing of a suture causes the baby to have an abnormally shaped head (A.D.A.M. Medical Encyclopedia).” If nothing is done when the brain is growing, this can cause brain damage. After an initial visit to Children’s Hospital in Dc and a Cat Scan, were back again at Children’s Hospital to hear what the doctor had to say. Would our baby need to have his skull cracked open to allow his brain to grow normally? We had to get up and leave at dark thirty to arrive at our early appointment. We talked about the possible surgery, the girls, and financially… how could we do this with the girls, work and financially….Well, as we pulled into the parking spot, Faith, still buried deep, made another appearance. I just said, “This will be fine, we will not be coming back here, because we can’t do this.” Sure enough we talk to the doctor, and our son did not need the surgery. He only had the front suture that was grown together….Though faith made her appearance again, I was no closer to God…..
The bible tells us that trials make us stronger and suffering produces hope. James 1:2-4: “2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” Romans 5:2-6: “2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. 6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.”
At this point in my life, these verses would have been of no help. Why would God put Christian people through trials? Why is he against us? That is where I was in 2003…..Little did I know, it would be trials, a few miracles, years of testing my faith, and even hard times that would be the reason my faith would return….