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Faith is truly knowing that things will work out. It’s a feeling of peace with no worrying. Its knowing without a shadow of a doubt, that regardless of the path, God is there and things will be fine…

Without faith, there is no peace…

About 17 years ago my faith started to slip away. I wasn’t close to God, so it was so easy for my faith to fade to the background. I lost my grandfather I loved. My first marriage was on shaky ground. I was young, innocent, and very insecure. A few years earlier I had thanked God for making things OK, after the ex’s head injury, but now I withdrew, becoming angry with God, and not understanding why. Quite frankly why did God put me here in this marriage….

A couple years passed by and I still was distant with God. I reached my first major step back from God. One afternoon I fell down, sat there and just cried, telling God “Here, my marriage is yours I cannot do this anymore.” With tears, I told God to fix this, make it better because I simply was done….It was in this moment that I started to walk away from God and emotionally walked away from my marriage. I was done trying to work things out with the ex. I was done being blamed for his addiction. I was done with the verbal abuse. I was done asking God to make this better and nothing changed….I simply stopped praying for help.

A few years passed, nothing got better, and at times it seemed worse. As time went on, I reached my second step away from God. My cousins 6 yr old daughter lost her battle to cancer. This was the point where I became angry at God and simply could not understand. My faith hit an all time low and my thoughts angry…My words to God were angry…”Really God you let a child suffer…Really God you stick me this man…Are you even really there God…..”

9 years earlier I had faith and believed in God. I grew up in the church. I always had that sense of knowing if something was good or bad. Liking knowing my grandfather would not survive cancer, or knowing my 21 year old cousin would not survive her head injury (even though signs pointed to her survival in the beginning). I even knew when my supposed God fearing uncles would start preaching that they were simply full of it…Yet here I was in my low point in faith, I didn’t feel faith. I didn’t believe in faith. I wasn’t looking for the faith. I no longer felt the peace of knowing things would be fine…

Looking back I lost my faith, my belief…I lost my trust in God. It’s odd to say, but I didn’t trust God. I had put God in the same category as my ex…could not trust or believe Him. I no longer believed God was the great and powerful Oz, but instead just some small man behind a curtain. Odd movie reference, but that’s the best way to explain it.

The bible tells us that God will not leave us or forsake us. We also know that God puts us through trials to make us into the person he wants us to be…

A few years later it would be a man with lesser faith than I who would help my faith begin to grow again…

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