I am my own worst enemy at times and totally working against myself. I can totally sabotage various parts of my life…
The past few weeks have been difficult. It would seem that my weaknesses & faults wanted to present them themselves in all their wonderful glory…Of course the “fallen one” has helped with making the weaknesses & faults more prevalent and I know he is mocking me.
Days of insecurity about what I can do workwise…bookkeeping…running a company…and even calling myself an accountant. Yes I have a degree but a part of me still feels I have not “earned” that title…When the brain is forgetful, and you forget to run a company’s payroll…insecurity really plants itself firmly….
Days of judgment, which for the life of me is one of my hardest struggles….I am truly they type of person that will judge a person based on what I would do, what I would consider right…Mixed in with those days, a side of me that hears people, listens to people and I really want to just say “BS”! Yes we all deal with those people who seem to be completely full of themselves too….
Days of addiction…..I smoke for about 18 years, and truly miss smoking (yes insert my kids groaning here). I still, 5 years later, crave cigarettes. Quite frankly if my asthma was not an issue I would lite one up again. (insert my kids groaning again) Yet my desire to breathe deeply trumps my need for a cigarette…Yet after these past few weeks, I often wonder is smoking or food worse…..Ever since I quit smoking, food has taken its place. I love to eat and the addiction part??? Not stopping when you are satisfied, not stopping when you are full, but continuing on until you are miserably stuffed, and then asking yourself…why. These past few weeks, this wanted to be an issue as well.
My list can go on and on…forgetfulness, fatigue, anxiety….That’s when God reminded me to focus less on my weaknesses, gain control of my weakness, and be better armed for my weaknesses…better thoughts, better food ideas…but must importantly…give them to Him, hand them directly over to God! I guess in the middle of my own self sabotage, I forgot that one little truth….What I honestly realized I never lost faith in God, just lost faith in myself.
I know Thankfully God is a patient, loving, healing father!